Loss and Grief

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Loss and Grief

 

Bereavement & Grief

In the psychological literature bereavement is described as the state of sorrow you feel over the death or loss of a loved one. From a psychological standpoint, bereavement describes the state of loss such as that caused by the death of someone close to you. While grief is generally defined in the literature as the reaction you have to the loss (death) of a close loved one.

Of course, in our every day experience, it does not matter what we call it, for we all know that losing a close loved one results in states of deep mourning, sorrow and sadness. In fact, in every day parlance, the terms bereavement, grief and mourning are used interchangeably.

The death of a close loved one often causes you to experience a wide range of emotions ranging from disbelief, numbness, denial, despair, hurt, sorrow to deep levels of sadness. Experiencing such powerful negative emotions can cause you to question the meaning of life or blame yourself for some aspect of the loss (death).

Grief can take many forms. Below is a brief discussion of several types of grief you may have encountered in your life. This list is only meant to give you a brief outline of the various forms which grief can take and some of the terms used to describe various feelings you can identify with or may experience at some future time.

It is important to remember that grief experiences can also involve other aspects besides death such as divorce or separation, job loss, loss of your home during a disaster or even the loss of a beloved pet or inanimate object with sentimental value.

The purpose of discussing grief here is to acknowledge its powerful impact upon all of our lives with a focus on ways of moving towards grief recovery and healing. The information contained on this website is meant to assist you as you learn to increase your levels of resiliency for dealing with high levels of stress, pain and anxiety. The experience of grief certainly includes high levels of stress and emotional pain as well as anxiety therefore it can be a wise strategy to seek out ways to recover and heal from grief as rapidly as possible.

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Normal Grief

Below is a list of the normal emotions you may experience while grieving the death of a close loved one including moving towards a healing recovery from your loss:

  • Shock
  • Disbelief
  • Numbness
  • Denial
  • Sorrow
  • Intense Sadness
  • Replay of memories of Deceased
  • Guilt
  • Aloneness
  • Loneliness
  • Sense of Incomplete Communications
  • Feelings of Abandonment and Deep Loss
  • Need for Forgiveness and Absolution
  • Avoidance Behaviors
  • Acceptance of Reality of Loss
  • Adjustment and Recalibration of Psyche
  • Sense of Completeness and Recovery
  • Ability to Move on with your Life
  • Continued “Communication” with Loved One with a sense of “connectedness”
  • Increased sense of locus of control of your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.

 

Complicated Grief

For an individual who experiences complicated forms of grieving, the “normal” recovery process may take much longer or may never occur. For such an individual, the death of a close loved one creates an unending loop of emotion whereby they may have difficulty achieving closure. The result is that it is either difficult or impossible for them to simply “move on” with their lives. Such individuals should seek professional therapeutic help.

Research studies show that some individuals with complicated grieving symptoms may be helped with approaches such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Others may require medication to assist them with gaining some semblance of control so that they can move towards recovery.

Below is a brief outline of the phases of grieving an person may go through who is experiencing complicated forms of grieving:

  • Shock
  • Disbelief
  • Numbness
  • Denial
  • Sorrow
  • Intense Sadness
  • Replay of memories of Deceased
  • Guilt
  • Aloneness
  • Loneliness
  • Sense of Incomplete Communications
  • Feelings of Abandonment and Deep Loss
  • Need for Forgiveness and Absolution
  • Avoidance and Long Term Regriefing
  • Non-acceptance of Reality of Loss with Continued Deep Yearnings or Defacto Denial of Fact of Loss
  • Continual Emotional and Mental Replay of Loss; No Readjustment or Recalibration of Psyche
  • Continued Grieving as a Form of Suffering
  • Feelings of Helplessness and Hopelessness; decreased sense of locus of control of thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.

 

Existential Grief

Existential grief is a lesser known and little discussed form of grief but it represents a wide spread phenomena in society. Operationally it can be defined as the sense of loss, disappointment, and associated despair felt in response to intangible losses such as the loss of connection with a sense of place (community), betrayal of trust, deceit or a loss of belief (or value) in a higher power (God or other spiritual deity) for good.

An example of a person who experiences Existential Grief would be someone who had to move continually during their childhood, e.g. family job transfers every two years, so they have no sense of being from any place, and have difficulty maintaining friendships. Their grief may be experienced as a vague sense of “things not being right” or not “connecting” with others or having lost all faith in the promises of others including the existence of a Supreme Being.

Below is a brief outline of the types of symptoms and experiences someone with Existential Grief might exhibit:

 

Causation

Intangible losses such as loss of connection with community, loss of a sense of purpose, meaning, or faith result in a vague or sometimes overwhelming sense of grief and mourning; individual is unaware of the sources of their discontent.

Symptoms

Detachment

­ Despair

­ Sorrow

­ Mourning

­ Regret

­ Alienation

­ Loneliness

­ Vague sense of unease that things are not right

­ Global sense of anxiety of unknown origins

­ Systemic low-level stress from unidentifiable causes

 

Experience 

Sense of not “fitting in”

Sense of being “different”

Sense of being continually “misunderstood” or “wrong”

Eternal sense of being a stranger even in familiar surroundings

Relational mismatch of beliefs and values

Lost sense of belonging to any group or place

Global collapse of identity

Dissociated feeling that nothing really matters

 

Purpose and Mechanisms of Grief

The purpose of grief is to positively reset your nervous system such that you are able to handle the stress the death of the close loved one has caused. Successfully recovering from grief increases our chances for survival by raising our habitual stress set point. This provides you with higher levels of resiliency and stress hardiness.

The grief reaction during the bereavement process generally only occurs when someone close to you whom you love dies. This can also be the case when you lose something inanimate which you value dearly. The key aspects are death, sense of loss, and close, valued, loving relationship.

The grief reaction causes a physiological upheaval within your nervous system. Grief breaks up long established patterns which have been in place—disrupting your internal sense of safety and homeostasis. This means that your stress levels are severely elevated and require readjustment. Therefore your grief reaction highlights the need for a rebalancing of the human system—body, mind, and spirit.

During the mourning period, a reassessment can take place in an attempt to regain your internal balance. When successful recover occurs, you are able to “move on” with our life. When this happens we can successfully recalibrate our experience of grief, stress, anxiety, fear, guilt, etc. subsequently, our stress levels return to normal and we heal.

When grief recovery is unsuccessful, our allostatic loads continue to increase and we set ourselves up for chronic disease states or illness. You may have personally experienced having difficulty recovering from the death of a loved one, if so, you already know that your chances getting sick or ill increase the longer you grieve intensely. Therefore it is critical that you seek professional help should this apply in your case. Getting a handle on your stress can serve as a first step in the process of healthy recovery.